Time to say goodbye

It's become very apparent that mental health is the best place to start to say that's the reason we've said goodbye. We didn't want to leave our boys or close the doors on that chapter of our lives. It's a little more than mental health or physical that we've left. We won't call anyone out by name because that won't help anything or anyone. 

My husband and I left on our own. We were a little blindsided by the decision. Knowing full well the decisions we made would have a ripple effect. We were angry, sad, and disappointed. There was no way to tell everyone what happened without sounding as though we were gossiping. We'd had trouble with our own health for a long time and we knew this. Someone happened to tell my husband that he was completely responsible for my health. This was a large factor in the decision we made to walk away. 

Again, we won't call anyone out by name. We have decided to let God sort that out. I've had problems with a couple of people who didn't always agree with me. I know that I"m not everyone's cup of tea or glass of water. I accepted that about 20 years ago. If what I'm thinking doesn't come out of my mouth, it will be all over my face! My facial expressions have a way of getting me in trouble. I also wear my heart on my sleeve! In the 2 years that my husband and I worked as houseparents, I learned to keep my expressions to a minimum and cry or yell later. It helped me to stifle things that isn't always necessary to speak about out loud. 

We love our boys and all the other children that have come into our presence! The Lord blessed us with the ability to love, care for, and keep those kids in our prayers!! I will never forget the fact that we were told we'd be supported. That was not the case. I say that because we were told we'd be supported and we weren't supported. We even went through the chain of command and little to nothing was done to help us learn more. We were willing to learn whatever we needed to learn in order to stay! 

We just made the decision and it was hasty! For that, we do apologize to those who were also blindsided by that decision! Please know that it wasn't you or the children! We had lots of things happening all at once and it was time to go! We need to keep ourselves healthy; mentally, physically, and more importantly, spiritually! The Lord will always provide!! We love each and every caregiver we worked with and we love all the children!!! Prayers would be appreciated as we open new chapters in the coming days, months, and years!

Feeling safe

Things have changed as you might have heard. We opened our home to boys and we've changed our rotation. And we wouldn't change that decision! Not at all! The boys have let us into their lives, even if it's for a moment. One thing we've understood has been that the children in our care need to feel safe. Safety isn't something everyone thinks about when it comes to growing up. I grew up in a two-parent household, I attended church, I was in a youth group, I was in marching band, and I lived in a suburban home outside the city of Austin. I was safe. Did I ever think about that? No. Why? You've just read why. I lived with my family in a great neighborhood. 

Earlier this evening, a child decided he felt safe enough that he could tell us a few things about himself. I felt elated and confident that he can come to us with information that no one should have to experience! We had a small conversation about what he'd down over the weekend while he had a visit with a friend. This led to a further conversation of how he felt while around other people and what has been going on in his life. I wanted to scream and cry. My husband is a great comforter to me and he can read my body language pretty well. He touched my shoulder and I didn't flinch. That told me he was also happy that this child had trusted us enough to tell us what was going on. His decision to speak openly to us has given a new perspective. He's more than a child in our care. He's got a lot to process before having to go out into the world and be a productive member of society. He is a very smart kid and he loves basketball! I opened the door for him to come to my husband and me at any time he needs us! 

After he knew the offer, he hasn't been afraid to tell us how he feels and if we've upset him or not. We've given him no reason to mistrust us.  There's so much at stake for a lot of children who have experienced trauma. There's also a lot to teaching them how to heal from that trauma and learning how to heal from my own trauma if I've experienced trauma. There's a test to see if you've experienced it and I scored a 1! That's a story for another time though. Of course, this whole ministry is just the best thing I've ever done!

Changes are always welcomed

My husband and I are still caregivers. If he had a choice he'd do it until the day he's wheeled off in a body bag. I promised at least 10 years. Life was so boring before becoming caregivers! Things have changed for us as caregivers though. Instead of girls, we have boys! Thirteen (13) boys to be exact. Two different houses. All boys. We couldn't have been more excited! We've been through a lot with lots of children. We wouldn't change it or trade it for anything! I'm not sure how I feel about being outnumbered. I'm the oldest of 3 daughters and I'm so used to having girls in my home; having boys is a new experience for me. My husband is number two (2) of four (4) sons.  So this is a good change for him. My house is louder and filled with lots more laughs now. I love it! So does my husband! 

Changes are always welcomed. It's taken me a long time to keep that in mind. Changes come and go a lot in this ministry. I've said this before. Whoever says that you won't get attached to these kids, is a LIAR! I love the kids in my care! And I will miss them when they leave. Questions always arise when they leave. Did I make a difference, even if it's just one child? Will they remember what they've learned here? If so, will they use it in their lives from now on? Did I talk about the love of Christ? Did I show them the love of Christ? Will I see them again? Tears always come when I know they'll be going home. It's not always happy tears! Sometimes, I shed tears out of fear. Fear that they'll be back in the system, whether they'll be back in my care or not. I've cried happy tears! All too often though, it's fear. What will happen when they go home? Will their family continue to do well? Will they go back to doing drugs? Will the abuse continue? Did the foster care system fail the children? 

I can make my own difference and be even a small part of the GOOD change for the system that could possibly fail every child in it. This is a big part of the reason why my husband and I started this ministry! We felt a calling to change the lives of children in the name of Christ. When in reality, they have changed our lives so immensely!! We wouldn't change that part of it for anything in the world! Here's to more changes and our new experiences... 

Totally worth it?

Christmas is in a week and I'm not sure I'm ready for it. This is the first year we'll have kids in our home. I've wrapped presents, but only for family members. Not a group of kids. I'm looking forward to that part! I'm just not sure I'm ready for all the excitement!

This is the time of year that I love because all the kids get a lot of gifts that they normally wouldn't get if at home. I know that sounds crass, but hear me out! People give out of their hearts and take time out of their own busy schedules to go shopping for [my] kids. I love that! And there are always other things happening! We have youth groups coming in the summer. We have groups during the school year. It's just awesome!! There's one thing that I've noticed though. In the age of social media, I've noticed that people are just ready to pounce on announcing that they've donated toys for kids for Christmas, or they've donated a meal for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Or they've given to a certain organization such as the one my husband and I work for. That's fantastic! Keep doing that!

I have a point to make. Bear with me! We are trying to serve the Lord daily by helping kids heal from past trauma and looking to a bright future. Some kids are harder than others. There's abuse of all kinds, drug use, alcoholism, and neglect. The main goal is reunification with parents or other immediate family members (grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.) and if that doesn't work out, a forever family through adoption. We're looking to adopt a child or two ourselves. Back to my point. I know that lots of people give of their time and money for the kids in care at my facility. Especially around this time of year. And there are always donors who send money once a month for birthdays, new school years, new intakes, etc. And that's great!

My point: Why do 85% of people, that aren't already donors where I work, give year round? Instead of just around the holidays. I'm not doubting that people have their own budget issues and life events that can't always be helped. New babies, new houses, new cars, car accidents, car repairs, moving, job changes. I'm not denying any or all of that. It's happened to me and my husband, both married and apart. That's not what I'm saying. I'm asking: Why is it that you only do it around a certain time of year? Why not all year? It's the 'teach-a-man-to-fish' concept. For my husband and I, it's year-round for us. It's our ministry. We are in love with this ministry! I'm not saying we're better than anyone. Because we're sinners just like everyone else on the planet. And until we got this job, I had NO STINKING CLUE what to do to serve the Lord better. I really didn't. I knew that I needed to be a Godly wife, to pray for my husband, listen to him when it came to his leading and decision making. That aside, I didn't know what else to do outside of that realm of caring for my husband.

We use the Sanctuary model. Teaching these children how to heal from their trauma, look to the future while serving God, and using tools like Growth and Change, Social Responsibility, and Emotional Intelligence, along with other things, to move forward in that service to God. Helping them believe that not all adults are criminals, drug users, alcoholics, and/or abusers. Helping them grow to know that Jesus is the Ultimate Sacrifice and to let That Light shine wherever they go in life. So in essence, what I do is TOTALLY WORTH IT! If I can help five out of twenty kids that come in and out of my home, I'll praise God in that! If it's only one child, I'll still praise God in that! It's about praising Him in the more than just the eye of the hurricane! Praising Him while being frustrated at her for not telling the truth, praising Him while being very upset that he's broken a plate for the fifth time in two weeks. It's totally worth it!! As long as the Lord gets all the glory, I will always say that what I do is TOTALLY WORTH IT!

Never say goodbye

His 4th birthday was November 4th.  He's got brown eyes, red hair, and the smile that no one can resist. The little boy that I love has been returned to his family. For three days solid, I cried. Anytime I saw a sock he accidentally left behind, tears. I would hear the Paw Patrol theme song, more tears. I would see his picture on my phone, snotty, ugly cry. I didn't have closure. I didn't get to hug him goodbye. I was angry. I was sad. It's not goodbye though.

I've seen him once since he's left my care. He'd grown and learned so much more! He spoke in full, coherent sentences. He was fully potty trained and still loves Paw Patrol. He barely remembered me but asked me about other caregivers. He even threw a fit because he knew I was going back to a place he still calls home. I cried the whole way home. It's not goodbye.

I've learned that only God can create the ultimate Goodbye. The English language is particularly dangerous language. People say goodbye or bye, even bye bye, without realizing that that may not be a true statement. As a follower of Christ, I believe that I'll be reunited with my loved ones in heaven. I'll believe that until my earthly death. I have Eternal Life. It's not goodbye.

Do I still cry when I think about him? Of course! Do I still pray that he's loved and safe? Always! Another child takes his place in my home, but not in my heart. I couldn't have made it through any of this without the man that the Lord provided me with! He's done everything to help ease my mind that there are always children to love in our home, even if he isn't here. We were going to try and adopt him. We didn't have the chance. And that's alright. It's not goodbye.

Jesus spoke well of children. He knew that the faith of a child was something not to be taken lightly. The Lord knows that children have faith smaller than a mustard seed. Faith that there's love, there's the truth, there is safety. And I have faith in Christ that this child is safe and loved! He is loved! By several people! Going by the Sanctuary model, that's what Christ is to everyone. He is Sanctuary.

I love you, Little Boy! Even when I know that the circumstances you encounter are not within my control! I have faith that you are safe with your family and that they love you!

Let's be honest...

This side blames that side and that side blames this side. Prayers are sent up and condolences are said. No one knows how to make mass shootings stop. No one knows why these things happen. Maybe they do. Maybe someone out there knows what's happening. All I know is that sad things will always happen. And blaming each other means nothing. It means absolutely, positively zilch when you blame someone else. The same goes for someone else blaming you. Why is blame passed around? Who knows? Today I'll be speaking about history and the effects of it as it leads to the learning that kids have in current times. And I'll be speaking about how people don't need a gun to hurt, kill or maim. I'm also willing to learn how to speak to the children in my home about what happens to those involved in school shootings or mass shootings.

The shooting in Florida is very sad. I will not deny that. I have my opinions. I grew up knowing how to use guns, rifles, and shotguns. Until I was in high school, I didn't realize the opportunity someone had to use evil to their own advantage. My parents did a wonderful job in teaching my sisters and me that not all those around the world are evil or use themselves for evil! Remember the Oklahoma City bomber, Tim McVeigh? He didn't use a gun. He used fertilizer to build a bomb. To be exact, he was convicted of use of a weapon of mass destruction, conspiracy use of a weapon of mass destruction, destructive use of explosives or incendiary devices and eight (8) counts of first-degree murder of eight (8) enforcement officers. He had two (yes TWO) partners in this crime. So what does this mean?

September 11, 2001. A date that doesn't need a definition. Several men who were religious extremists. They wanted to change the face of America forever. They did. These men believed in martyrdom to the farthest degree. The only martyr I remember right off hand is Steven in Acts 6:8-7:53. And I know there are more than just that one. Most of these men grew up in what would be considered normal families. And they were college educated. They used planes as weapons. So... What does this mean?

Adolf Hitler. A name that is known worldwide.  With his actions, 19.3 million civilians and prisoners of war were murdered via the gas chamber or some other harsh death. Another 29 million soldiers and civilians died in war efforts to help with this atrocious war. All it took was 7% to have all of this happen. Again... what does this mean? Tighten the gun laws. Take away every weapon from law abiding citizens. No. The Third Reich disarmed "unreliable" persons, especially Jews. Now given, no one can tell who is who in unreliable circumstances. I realize that most of the posts I've made have been about my job as a houseparent. I've said all of the above to say that I do have to explain certain things to the children in my home when and/or if they learn of a school shooting. I have yet to know what I should say. If you have ideas, let me know. 

It doesn't get easier...

His shirt is still sitting on my dresser. It accidentally got mixed in with mine. This is expected with kids. He's reunited with a family member and we don't want him to come back. ... But I do. Whoever said that you don't get attached to the children in your home, is a LIAR! We're told to give the children a loving home with normalcy and show them how life is with two parents, going to school, going to church and doing youth group events, going to homecoming football games and all the things that go into being a part of a family.

I'm excited that he's reunited with his family! And so is my husband. He's more excited than I am, I believe. The next three days after he left, I sobbed. I didn't do it in front of the other children, of course. I know it's because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what might go wrong, what could go wrong and what has gone wrong. He's only 3 years old and has no idea that his life may or may not get better!

I digress. I tell myself that prayer is the only thing that'll help. And that's the truth. Prayer is all I can do. The Lord knows more than me. I know I'll still cry. I'll get attached to another child just like him. And that's okay. That's normal. The husband and I have discussed that it's okay to be attached to a child that has so many good qualities and has the best potential. I understand and know now why my parents pushed me so hard! They saw the potential that I didn't know was there. I've started a business twice, I've finished college (even being over 30 years old), I got a job closer to my education than ever before, met a God-fearing husband, and now I'm working in a ministry that I never imagined in all my life would be the biggest blessing ever! I've met so many great, God fearing, loving people where I work... NO, where I love to live! You can't see being a houseparent as a job. It's definitely a calling!

It doesn't get easier when they leave! I've seen several come and go. And I still get emotional. I have faith that God takes care of the children after they leave my home. It's not up to me to tell the families how to take care of the kids when they do leave. It doesn't get easier as time goes on. The only thing that is easier is the way I show my emotions and when I let them out.

Lives to impact

Life is impacted by a series of events. Sometimes they are unfortunate events. First days of school, graduations, marriages, births, deaths, etc. All the events in between determines the outcome of who you choose to be in this world. Influences around you, the environment in which you're given from birth. Not everyone grows up in an environment learning about the Gospel of Jesus.

Matthew 28:18-20 "Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in Heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always to the very end of the age.


That verse has been in the forefront of my mind the last day or so. Therefore, GO! So I searched. The search started well before my husband and I got married. I wanted to go to Zambia and help a young woman who helped children with family issues; such as the children I work with in my current job. By the way, I don't see what I do as a job. I see it as something I enjoy! Finding a mission to accomplish takes a lot of patience, faith and prayer. You need time, money and a willing heart. I see this field I'm in a blessing! I've learned more in the last two months than some college professor could ever teach me out of a book. In John 21:15-25, Jesus asks Simon Peter if he loves Him 3 different times and Peter was hurt. Jesus told Peter to feed His sheep and keep the commandments that He had given over the 3 years the disciples had followed Him. I see working in this beautiful, wonderful children's home as feeding the Lord's sheep. No child should go without a meal, clothing or a family. I grew up in a home with 2 loving parents (who are still married after almost 39 years) and 2 fun younger sisters and that was my "normal." I'm married to a very Godly man who loves me through all my muck, tantrums, and my emotional moments. I know, in my heart of hearts, that I'm blessed beyond measure in that instance. The Lord has guided my husband and I to this mission field. In the short time he and I have worked here, we've already seen 2 young ladies giving their lives to Christ. And THAT is what He meant by GO! Now those 2 young ladies will be able to see through all the happenings of their past and live in freedom, love and grace in Christ Jesus!

If this isn't why I'm doing this line of "work," then it's all in vain.

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween, y'all! I'm super excited about the Trunk-n-Treat being provided to the children tonight! I'm glad I live in a community that is willing and able to take care of those who need it. Don't take me wrong on this. I'm making a comment about how amazing my community is! That is all.

With less children in my home, it's awfully quiet! And that's okay. I know that's part of the job. Does anyone ever teach on humility anymore? It's been awhile since I've heard a preacher or a teacher give a lesson on humility. Except for this past Sunday, when my husband and I took the kids to a small church in a neighboring town. He was speaking more about servitude. It takes humility to be a servant. I'd like to speak on how humbling it is to be a house parent, even if it is for just relief. The rain has washed the chalk off the sidewalk. The memories would eventually have been walked off eventually, but the rain made it fast.

Humility. What is it that makes us feel this way? The opposite of pride. A huge part of integrity. That's something else I rarely hear spoken about. Integrity. Doing the right thing even when no one is watching. I didn't take this job because I intend to be the "blesser." If that even makes sense.


Matthew 19:14 Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do no hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." 

There's that verse, among others, and several songs. Jesus loves me, Jesus loves the little children, and so on and so forth. I know you're singing either song. Humility is the subject at hand. I realize that me writing a blog may not be the most humble thing in the world. Especially with the title being what it is. If someone dos something for the sake of getting the recognition, what is the point? If someone does something for the sake of serving the Lord, do we praise them more? Where do we draw the line between ego/arrogance and humility? 

Colossians 3:12-13 Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. ea with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 


With humility comes forgiveness. However, I'm going off course and I'd like to get to my point. My husband and I didn't choose this job to be the ones to say, "Look at what we're doing! It's the Lord's work and we're better than you because we're doing the Lord's work!"  While it's true that it's the Lord's work, we didn't choose this job. God led us here. We love what we do! And we're happy to do it! It's not about the money. It's not about having a home. It's about being humble servants of the Lord. We love our job! It's not for the faint of heart. Yes, there are times that I've shed tears and I know there'll be more tears. What can I say? I'm an emotional person. However, I shed a few tears, say a prayer for all the children that come and go, and get back to work. I know that God will stay with those kids that leave.

The model in which we work teaches us how to use God's love to help children heal from things that shouldn't ever enter their lives. In all my time on this earth, there's never been a bigger place in my heart than that of a smiling child. I love being where I'm at! I know my husband, J, does too. As an adult, I can't fathom what goes on behind the closed doors of a child that's been abused or neglected. These children are survivors. And I'm thankful to the Lord that I'm a part of their lives! 

First time they go home...

There's a sock that belongs to a two year old. It's in the middle of the kitchen floor and I know he put it there. Him and his sisters leave in the morning and I know I've got to pick up the sock. My heart is breaking like I knew it would. I'm super happy as that's the goal for the kids at the home I work! The goal is reunification with family or finding a loving family to adopt.

There's a sock that belongs to a two year old in the middle of my kitchen floor. Among the thousands of things I've to do before I even think about going to bed, I'm going to pick up the sock, say a prayer for this child and his sisters, and cry maybe a little. It'll go in his bag only to be washed and worn at a later date. This is my job. I love what I do and the rewards that come from it! Lots of folks don't see what I do as rewarding. I've heard things like, "I don't understand how you can handle that! All those kids who don't have families would just break my heart!"  Let me be honest; it breaks my heart too. James 1:27 says:

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

My job is not about having no financial overhead. While that's nice, that's not why my husband and I took this job. We started this job to be faithful to God and serve Him. Loving others and taking care of those in need is why we started this job. The rewards we see aren't material things. We are rewarded with love, truth, and the knowledge that we'll be blessed no matter what. As awesome as it is that these children are going home and despite my heart breaking that they won't be in my home any longer, I have the knowledge that the Lord will guide them in their futures. The best thing for me to do is to pray for them. And I do. Every day. My favorite part of my job is loving these kids that come into the home.

When my husband approached me about this kind of opportunity, I was very skeptical. Very, very skeptical. We interviewed at two different homes. And we chose the current home we work with very carefully. There's an environment of love, spiritual and emotional support that I've never had at any other job! I'd work in retail for years. The only childcare experience I'd ever had was in preschools and day cares. My husband was all for us working in a children's home. I was apprehensive and scared! I'd never had any kind of life like this! If you'd asked me three years ago I'd be married and working in a children's home, I'd laugh in your face and call you a liar. Yet, here I sit, married to my wonderful, loving, Christian husband for the last 14 months and working at a children's home. I know, I know. We haven't been married that long. I'm also 37 and he's 32. We got married late in our lives.

That sock still remains something I'll always remember. His laugh, his smile, his lashes (for which women would pay good money), and his willingness to help around the house, even at 2 years old.

Matthew 19:14
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kindom of heaven belongs to such as these."